Ups and Downs

Well today I am not doing so well. I guess some days on this roller coaster are just harder. We went yesterday for his hearing test and are scheduled for inpatient chemo tomorrow. We got the bad news that he is starting to lose his hearing yesterday. The radiation damages the hearing but the sucker punch on this one is the chemo. One or the other can usually be overcome but both can be too much. Right now it is just high tones so it is not noticable in normal settings but the audiologist says that it is serious and wants him back in 4 weeks instead of 6. Unfortunately the culprit is one of the drugs he will get tomorrow so it is very hard for me to take him in. There is no way to know how bad the total hearing loss will be so they will just watch him closely and if it progresses too quickly they may adjust his protocol.
He has done so well and some days seems so "normal" that it is very easy to fool myself into believing that this isn't so bad. But then I get the wind knocked out of me and remember that he is critically ill. I guess that there will never be normal for us again. Gordon and I were talking about how this has affected the other children. Gordon heard Ted and Miriam talking and they very casually said that "when Josh is done treatment we can do that like normal" and Dorothy made a poster about herself for the class and under the section about things she can do she said she can do treatments and give shots. Apparently she thought that it was important to be able to do those things. We try desparately to make things ok for them but they are smart and this takes so much from our family.
We do have somethings to look forward to right now! 2 weeks before Thanksgiving the boyscouts are having a family campout and we can all go and then Grandma and Grandpa Jones are coming for the holiday. We just have to take it one day at a time and do the best we can on that day but boy is it hard. I want to make him better but everthing we do just makes him worse. I pray it is all worth it, it is easy to second guess every choice we make. Please keep praying, we sure need it and appreciate it. We love you all, if I haven't said so in a while please know that you are welcome here. Our house is a mess but there is always room and food and we will even try to be fun!